One of the things that TEP and I discuss frequently is consent. TEP is incredibly passionate about consent. He is one of the few men I know who could probably write a whole thesis on his ideas about consent, supported by examples from his real-world observations and reading. 

If he could concentrate on one thing for long enough…

As I dig through the incredibly messy and disorganised files of old stuff I have written, newer stuff I have written, re-writes of old stuff that have been edited to (re?)-publish etc I came across a version of this article. I don’t think it is any of the catalogues I currently have available. Apologies if you have read this before. 

So, at a Pineapple camping event a while back, I had a conversation with a friend, The ex-fireman, about women’s boundaries. This guy is not great at respecting boundaries. He tends to get carried away with excitement and you really have to be very firm with him sometimes. He and I have a lot of fun together, I really should write some stories about some of our encounters. At this particular event I had observed a man being very disrespectful of a friend’s boundaries using a joke to disguise it. I was discussing it with The Ex-Fireman and he gave me an interesting perspective about women saying no. 

His argument was that women frequently say no when they really mean yes. The example he gave was of a woman and her husband shopping. They see a very nice dress that the woman clearly likes and that the man thinks would make the woman look very attractive. The price tag is a little higher than the woman is comfortable with. The man offers to buy the dress for the woman and she refuses saying something like;

“It is OK, I have plenty of other dresses and that one is a little too expensive.” 

The woman has said no. She has set a boundary. But the man knows that she really wants the dress and he really wants to see her wear it somewhere. He knows that if he buys the dress for her she might be annoyed because he wasted their money on something frivolous but he also knows that she could be excited that he was so thoughtful. 

On the flip side the woman is being practical. She knows that having savings is important to her husband and their future and that he appreciates her practicality. She also knows that if she says no to this it decreases the chance that he will spontaneously buy her gifts in the future. 

So does he respect her boundary? Does she really want him to respect it? 

The Ex-Fireman explained that women do this kind of thing all the time. And he is right. He said that if a woman behaves this way about a dress then how is a guy going to know that she is being serious when it comes to something sexual? His argument is one that many men would agree with. There are some flaws in it, as with all arguments. It certainly doesn’t give men Cate Blanche to disregard women every time they say no but it does highlight some important points. 

Consistency is key. If we as women or humans want people to respect our refusals we have to mean what we say all the time. If we want people to listen when we say no we need to be consistent even in situations that are different, like this example. Of course there is always someone who spoils it for everyone by not being consistent and my efforts to give clear messages at all times are constantly being undone by others who don’t. But over time being the person who gives clear messages does pay off. I do seem to have less of an issue with my refusals and I often get feedback appreciating my direct and open approach. 

Women suck at saying no. This is a well documented thing. Women are trained to be people pleasers. We are taught to soften our refusals so they don’t offend people (men). So instead of saying “Thanks but no thanks.” We say things like “Not now,” or “I’m not feeling it right now.” These things could be interpreted as “Maybe later,” whenever that is. Or “I need more convincing,” just like the dress conversation. Personally I really struggle with this. Often when I go to say no I find myself thinking about what I am saying no to or what I really want. I am a person of absolutes. I like to be sure. I like the option of having a maybe so I can change my mind later but that is not helpful in keeping a boundary in place. 

Throughout my lifestyle journey I have worked hard to be clear with my refusals. I have worked hard at delivering a refusal with grace and gentleness. But it isn’t easy. It takes practice. But the practice and effort pay off in the end. Most people in my vanilla life, including my students, know that when I say “maybe” it means I am still considering the consequences and possibilities but when I say “no” it will be clear that I have said no and there is no turning back from it. In the lifestyle of course I am constantly encountering new people who need to learn this but generally it doesn’t take them long. Otherwise I guess they just don’t stay in my circle. 

It would be nice to think that consent, and life in general, was concise, clear and easy to navigate. But of course it isn’t. It would be easy for women to live their lives thinking that men just need to listen more but they have to take responsibility for giving clear messages that are easy to interpret. Like everything in the lifestyle it is about give and take or push and pull. As always the words here are my opinion based on my experience. Other people have had different experiences resulting in different opinions. Grown up discussion is always welcome! Comment away, people!

The below Femdom Training titles are recommended to accompany this post, but before you choose just one file, you can download our Entire Femdom Hypnosis Library worth $28,287.00 for a very low pricefor a limited time RIGHT NOW!