Excerpt from my e-mail from Mary:
What I did NOT realize and still am figuring out is that it (cuckolding) gave him deep emotions like nothing I have ever seen. I think it has surprised him as well.
At first it was more of a “this might be fun and he is okay with it”. What has emerged is much more than that. First of all – yes! It is definitely fun. But the dicey area is how would this play out. I had half thought that this might be a “one and done” sort of thing. What I found is that instead of an angry or alienated husband (when I came home) – I found him super engaged, curious, nervous, shy, excited, embarrassed and who knows what else. He has talked to me about his emotions around this. He says it is unlike anything he has ever experienced in his entire life. He said it is deep, complicated and feels (as he put it) like “landing on Mars”.
I have sort of “checked” his emotional state closely along the way. Again, my general expectation is I would need end this fairly quickly and that it would be “checked off” as a bit of out of the box fun – contemporary/modern day craziness. It was that. But it has become more. I think the way to say it is – I have learned to “involve him”. I am not into “threesomes” with these two (at least not at this time it just does not appeal). I also have kept him very separate from my boyfriend. (I know that this may go differently with some women who are into this).
But for me it has been a total separation between husband and boyfriend – at least physically.
What I have learned is that there is something ‘in this’ for my husband. Honestly – I think he initially found that embarrassing – that it was “ok” with him. I think it makes him nervous but I also think that is part of the thrill. I also think it feels like the ultimate submission to him. It is like other things (forms of submission to me) but way more so. Humbling. I mean good god!
So, I have basically found (to my surprise) that the more I share with him the better. That does not mean that there is not a part of this that is totally between me and my boyfriend – there definitely is. However, I have found emotionally pulling my husband “in” before and after is a crazy and amazing thing. Before it is simple things – where we are going, will anyone else be there, what sort of venue, and me getting dressed – me “prepping” is a big deal. At first I did not get it. But now I realize it has become a “thing”. He gets washed with emotions. Excitement, fear, embarrassment, lust, etc. etc. Kaylee, it is VERY wild to see. In the beginning I had to “reassure” a lot. – “it is okay” “I won’t be gone that long”, “you have things to do”. Now that is different. Now that I see how it is and it has become more “normal” (“normal” maybe a stretch, lol!).
But the wildest part is when I return. Usually same night but not always. Kaylee, this is crazy. I don’t totally know what is going on here. My husband and I have absolutely some of the best sex I have, ever, ever, ever, had when I return. It is usually pretty “role reversal submissive/dominant” kind of sex – but it is really, really, satisfying. He eats me like a starving man. Literally starving. He usually enjoys eating me. But this is like he is STARVING and literally cannot get enough. He would do it for hours and has come on the carpet while eating me like this! (without me laying a finger on him!!).
So – what this is? I don’t know. I have learned to “share more”. I had to learn that this was “good/ok”. But it is. I literally tell him about it. All about it. It has become a “ritual” after I return.
Like the man WAITS for it. I did not totally get this at first. I sort of got it. But I am telling you – it is like a total “thing” for him.
There are two other things I realized. Him “liking this” (loving it?) does not mean it is not humiliating to him. I asked him about that quite directly. He cannot really explain it. He says he feels in a way it is “increasing” for him – meaning the excitement and the humiliation are blending and all one big emotional “thing”. He CLEARLY is excited about it but also nervous, shy, embarrassed. Wild how it all is.
Lastly – some of our very, very, deepest emotional connections have been “afterwards”. He literally clings to me and after we spend some time together it is like he wants to do all he can for me.