Day 30: My initial interest in the course was at the request of my partner. We’d been playing around with FLR concepts for a few years, but I wasn’t certain how to proceed and where this might go. That uncertainty made it difficult to acquire the confidence to truly step into the role. The most surprising part was my partner’s response to the structure and intensity, and quite honestly, his response to my choice to become a gold member. I was expecting resistance, and instead I got absolute joy. He was delighted that I was taking this seriously and developing specific expectations. I realize that while I started this for him, I will continue it for me.
A favorite moment occurred early on. The first time I slapped him for taking an insufficiently respectful tone when he responded to an inquiry was magnificent. The look on his face was priceless. He looked like he was about to melt when I told him to mind his tone, directed him to take a hands and knees position on the bed, and allowed my favorite paddle to drive the lesson home. He was appropriately deferential the rest of the day and properly grateful for the correction.
I find myself drawn to the ritualized aspects of the dynamic. Kneeling in front of me with his forehead resting on my chest has become an open and close for the day. This is a reminder of where he belongs, and to whom. This is also when he lists three things he is grateful for and recites the mantra that reminds him his purpose is my pleasure. We have a daily and weekly chore list that is reviewed at breakfast, which is where expectations are clarified for the day, including menus for lunch and supper. Kneeling and referencing gratitude and mantra occur after evening spankings, and before Mistress’s hair is brushed for the night. An unexpected benefit of this is that the routines have been helpful in managing my ADHD.
I’ve spent much of my life sure that I was “too much” or too intense. As a result, I tend to assume that I am being inconvenient; childhood trauma and relationships with narcissists will do that. (I do not use that term lightly; my ex was diagnosed before it was popular.) This made me ill-equipped to step into a role where my will and expectations take priority, and far too tentative at the start. The affirmations and hypnosis files have supported this change and what I should expect from myself and from him. The site’s emphasis on the responsibility of the dominant and importance of consent as well as control have been extremely useful in setting healthy expectations.
A surprise benefit is also increasing comfort with adding hypnosis to my personal and professional toolkit. This has been an interest for some time, but I was not comfortable with most of the training options available. Finding ASCH as an educational resource was encouraging and I’ve signed up for formal training in clinical hypnosis.
I think the most profound experience occurred one afternoon when he had been listening to one of the day trainers. I checked in on him. He shared that he was feeling a bit disoriented. When I asked what he needed he rather shyly asked if we could please cuddle. We adjourned to the bedroom and spent several minutes cuddling with his head on my chest until he felt more centered. After this he expressed that he had been feeling extremely vulnerable in that moment and slightly scared of how I might respond. I find myself deeply appreciative of his sharing this vulnerability and the level of trust it displays. .
The shift in dynamic has created a deeper intimacy and trust. We’ve had to make some concessions to physical realities (e.g., while I would love to have him a pace behind me when we are out, my current vision issues make it preferable to either be on his arm, or have him in front of me as a guide. He is learning to be a skilled guide dog, however) and have had some hiccups and communication issues, we have been able to discuss them honestly and openly.
What I would recommend to a Queen just beginning her journey, is to embrace it. If there is a small part of you that has desired to wear a crown, do it. Get one. Wear it. Don’t be tentative. If you aren’t willing to take a leap of faith, you won’t learn how to fly.