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Swinging is about many things. One thing that is at the forefront of many people's minds when they enter the lifestyle is living out fantasies. Especially those that fall into the kinky realm. Group sex, a plethora of different scenarios. When we were at the start of this journey, we found that the more we explored, the wilder our fantasies became. One thing we also learned is that playing out a fantasy in real life can be intensely exciting and rewarding. However, when other people are involved, it becomes difficult to keep the scene on track. How things play out in your mind does not always translate when you explain it to others. Sometimes their fantasies and desires influence the way they interact. Which means your fantasy may not get fulfilled.

Some good friends of ours are still at the beginning of their journey, and for Mr, at least, he is definitely in the phase of exploring a wide variety of different experiences. One of his key fantasies is being blindfolded on a massage table at the mercy of multiple people. I am talking men, and women teasing his skin with strokes, some pricks from a whartenberg wheel and maybe some impact before progressing to more sexual play.

These guys live in a different city, about four hours' drive from where we live. So we don't catch up all that often. Recently we made the trek, and I found myself enjoying dinner with Mr Jones, Mr and Mrs Good Friend and their new friend Ms Wild. I had only met Ms Wild in passing, and I didn't know much about her except in Mr Good Friend's words: "She is a bit wild." On top of that, it had been an intense couple of weeks for me. Coupled with a long drive, I wasn't really interested in anything except a nice dinner, some conversation and early to bed.

Mr GF had other ideas. Despite my making a clear statment about being drained and not interested, he put up his massage table and got out his bag of tricks that included his whartenberg wheel and some floggers. Without stating his intentions clearly or being direct, he was setting the scene for his fantasy. Dinner went well, conversation flowed, and wine was consumed. The five of us moved from the dinner table to the massage table, and a blindfold was found for Mr GF. I was reluctant and tried to stay in the background, but the exposed naked skin and the bag of floggers spoke to me.

My flagging interest was piqued slightly. I selected a flogger and began teasing him by dragging the tails over his skin. He responded well. Ms Wild entertained him with the spikes of the wheel. I began to flick Mr GF gently with the flogger over his buttocks and the back of his thighs. Nothing too serious. This is when things became a bit odd. Ms Wild indicated that she was triggered by the sound of a flogger on skin and left the room. I put the toy away. I wasn't about to inflict a memory of trauma on anyone.

Around this time, Mrs GF and Mr Jones started interacting. I knew both well enough to know that their departure to the bedroom was imminent. Leaving Ms Wild, Mr GF and me at the massage table. With impact out of the scene, I lost interest. I didn't have the energy to be really sexual. On top of that, I wasn't attracted to Ms Wild and didn't want to have THAT conversation that night. I withdrew and left Mr GF and Ms Wild to their own devices.

Everyone had a good time. I was quite happy in my den with my phone on my own. I didn't feel left out or abandoned. Mrs GF came to tell me stories of her adventures, and the others drifted in and out when they weren't fucking. The next morning though, Mr expressed disappointment that the scenario he had set up hadn't gone to plan. Over the years, this has happened a few times to people around us. I am grateful that I was able to chat with him about this without the resentment and aggravation that often accompany these situations.

I explained to him that he hadn't really made it clear to everyone there what he wanted. He certainly hadn't asked us if we were on board with doing that. I pointed out that I had told him I wasn't up to playing even a little bit, let alone something as full on as that. On top of that, Ms Wild was clearly not OK with any kind of impact in her presence. Something that was kind of central to the experience for him. Mrs GF is also not a fan of watching impact play, although she tolerates it for her husband.

In the past, we have been around other couples who had a particular fantasy in mind for a particular evening. When the details are not made clear, the inevitable happened. Things didn't go according to THEIR plan. Their feelings were hurt, and as a rule, we never saw those people again.

Fantasies are often sacred. Especially for those starting out in the lifestyle. Sometimes the fantasy has been played out in the minds of one or both of the couple many times. They know all the nuances and have a set of expectations for it. Those kinds of fantasies, especially if they involve input from other people they don't know well or from a group who don't know each other well, probably shouldn't be brought to life. Disappointment is guaranteed.

In the situation I described, I don't think Mr GF had really considered all the details. His fantasy was a notion he had considered for a while, but the details were vague. Hence, the lack of clear direction to the participants. The other issue here was consent. He assumed that Ms Wild and I were up for the challenge without consulting either of us about it. This was a separate conversation we had a few days later and one I will delve into in another post.

I have been part of similar scenarios. Ones where one partner has been fully on board and managed the situation for the other. Everyone involved had a great time. The key to the success of these situations was planning and communication. All the participants had been briefed on details, the focus of the night, what was on and what was off the table. Everyone knew what they had to do and had the opportunity to set their own boundaries or make decisions about participating. Everyone knew everyone else's boundaries. And everyone had a great time.

On top of that, there was a level of flexibility. The person who was the focus of the evening understood that things may not play out entirely the way they imagined, and they were OK with that. The main person wasn't going to get upset if someone missed their cue or said the wrong line. Everything just flowed.

Sexual fantasies are an important part of a healthy sex life. Having the opportunity to live them out is an amazing, intense experience that everyone should have at least once in their life. But, like everything worth doing, they require careful planning and consideration. The devil is in the detail or rather, the heaven is in communicating your ideas clearly and not getting too hung up on everything being perfect.