Something that vanilla people often find surprising is that I don’t fuck every swinger that I know. Even more surprisingly, I don’t fuck every swinger that I am friends with. There are people that I fuck that I am not friends with and probably never will be. And, perhaps because I am a complex human, there are people I fuck that I am really good friends with. Being in this lifestyle is sometimes a really effective way to grow your emotional intelligence and experience a range of relationships that you wouldn’t in the vanilla world.
So what is it that determines these different relationships? These people have the same values as me. We have all turned our backs on monogamy. We have all acknowledged that experiencing the endless variety of sex for sex’s sake is a great way to pass the time. Why is it that we don’t all strip off and degenerate into an orgy every time we get together?
Newsflash, we do. When the mood takes us.
About a year ago, I started talking to The Orgasm Miner. Our interactions were turbulent, to say the least. During one of our conversations, he described my sex life as a “turnstile”. His comment was not a compliment. He was, in fact, negging me. I fell for it. In the following months, I chastised myself about being attracted to men who cared little about me as a person. I struggled to reconcile the pleasure aspect of our lifestyle with ingrained attitudes about dating and relationships. I went from being the girl who had a lot of fun at events to the girl who was a bit withdrawn and reserved. In some ways, this damaged my relationship with some people. It also meant that I missed out on some experiences that I perhaps would have enjoyed.
Today the impact of his comments still shows, but I think I have almost come full circle. Our social circle of closer friends consists almost entirely of people in the lifestyle. I don’t fuck all of them and I don’t want to. The lasting impact of The Orgasm Miner’s comments has been that I realised that I need to be more aware of what I want out of a situation and less about what other people want.
I have recently become friends with a single man who goes to a lot of the camping swinger events that Mr Jones and I attend. At this point, he falls into the friends but not fucking category. He certainly seems to be popular with the ladies, but for one reason or another, we have not found ourselves naked together. What is interesting about this guy is that he is very clear that he doesn’t fuck just anyone. Which is a little different from some of the men, attached or otherwise, that I see around these events. He describes this as needing that “click” with people.
This is something I resonate with. The people pleaser in me tends to overlook this but I need to feel that attraction to people to have truly memorable sex. After all isn’t this the reason for being in this lifestyle? Exploring attractions and having experiences that most people don’t because they get tangled up in some bastardised moralistic ideas about relationships and fidelity.There is a physical element to this attraction. I am less conscious of it but Mr Jones will tell you that I definitely have a “type”. My type is something like this; Older, strong, extroverted and bald. I am not a fan of beards but they aren’t a deal breaker. Especially if there are other qualities in the person that I find particularly attractive.
Sometimes I can feel that click when I meet a person, but then when I spend more time with them I realise it was a false start. Sometimes I can interact with a person for quite a while and then, unexpectedly, I find myself getting jiggy and having a great time with them. Attraction is a fickle thing, for me at least. What is more frustrating is trying to explain it to other people. There are a couple of aspects to this that I find particularly vexing.
Firstly, men who don’t take No as an answer. There is so much to unpack in this concept. I could write a whole book about it. In fact, I am sure there are books about this kicking around on the internet. Today I want to make one point. I, and many other women, find it hard enough to say no to a man. We don’t need the pressure to explain ourselves. Because sometimes it is just a gut feeling we get. And guys aren’t good at accepting that as a reason. Other times it is much more straightforward but, honestly, how many people want to hear, you are too fat / short / hairy / smell bad, etc. Guys; you need to learn, No is a complete sentence.
Secondly, women. I would suggest that more than half of the couples in the lifestyle are there because the wife wants to fuck another woman. This leads to an expectation that every woman wants to fuck every other woman. I get it; I was once that woman exploring her bisexual fantasies. But I scratched that itch. In doing so, I learned that owning a vagina doesn’t always mean you will be able to get all other vaginas off. I came out the other side of the experience, realising that I have a strong preference for cock.
I also learned that when it comes to sex, a lot of women are entitled and pushy. These days I tell people I am straight. This isn’t strictly true, but it is easier than trying to explain that I only have sex with women when I get the elusive click. This happens with some women sometimes. Not always with particular women and sometimes the mood might strike with a particular woman, but then the next day, not. Hard to define, frustrating for all involved, better just to take it as it comes.
Both of these issues lead to me feeling like I have to explain myself and my attraction to people who are entirely focused on pushing their own agenda. I struggle to understand what goes on in my own head, let alone verbalise it to someone else. And so I make generalisations like “I don’t really play with women.” Of “I am taking a step back from playing this weekend” or I avoid situations where I might be propositioned. Of course I then proceed to contradict myself with my actions. I am certain I am not alone. Attraction or that spark is not easy to quantify for anyone.
For people trying to find their way into this lifestyle, this might be one of the most challenging aspects. It is hard to put it out there to people you are attracted to. Expressing your interest leaves you vulnerable. Saying no is equally challenging. People seeking to get into the lifestyle are frustrated by the comment “I don’t feel the click” Couples feel the need to put in their dating bios “Must have a click or connection.” Single men in particular who find themselves constantly on the outer can’t seem to get their head around it. This struggle leads to frustration and frequently creepy or overbearing behaviour.
My somewhat popular friend had an experience recently at an event we both attended. He camped with a group of people he knew and had hung out with a few times. The ladies of these couples all expressed interest in him. What is unusual is that he wasn’t interested. He had his reasons. I understand them. On top of that, I respect his right to say, “No thank you” without having to offer much more of an explanation. Women in the lifestyle don’t often hear the word no. When my friend declined the offers, he got a bit of blow back from this little group. I really hope he wasn’t too blunt in his refusal. Like me in this particular situation, he probably struggled to explain himself.
Everyone needs to feel some attraction to their sexual partners. If there is no human connection, then you may as well just have sex with a toy or your hand. The strength of the connection varies for each person. For some, (in general the younger men in this world) the connection doesn’t have to be particularly strong. For others, (women and couples) the connection is more important. Common interests and experiences give that connection which generates attraction. The important thing to remember is that people are different. What gets one person going may not work for the next person. Not only that, if you are interested in someone, you don’t have the right to expect the attraction to be reciprocated. Respect is important. Being kind and giving people space to follow their own desires is important.
Turns out navigating “The Click” is like navigating life. A little kindness and tolerance goes a long way.
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